"Come on in and sit down," Patsy said, and six of us filed into her office for a meeting. I had known Patsy for years; we worked together in the 1990's in Philadelphia and she had recently moved down to Austin to join us.I was wincing in pain with my hand up to my right eye. "Is your eye still bothering you?" she asked. I had been walking around with my hand to my eye all morning.
"Yes, it's worse. Hurts like the dickens. It's all swollen -- awful. Never mind me, let's get started," I replied, wincing again, and moving my hand away to peer at her through a Popeye-esque, painful squint.
"Well, I think we should start with these new accounts," Patsy began. "Because they-"
My low moan interrupted her. I rubbed my eye, in increasing agony. "Oh, man. Man, oh, man. It feels like so much pressure -- killin' me!" I groaned.
"I've got some Tylenol, will that help?" Patsy asked, concerned. The other people around the table were staring at me.
"No, no, I'm fine...I think….OH…oh man… can't take this PRESSURE. Seriously, never mind me, let's just get through this," I said.
"Well. Okay. So if we start with this first set of accounts -- hey, can I get you a wet rag?" Patsy asked worriedly. I was clutching my eye intensely, my face contorted.
"I… I… my…eye…feels…like…it's gonna…explode…pressure..." I answered. I stood up, still clutching my hand over my eye. "AWWWWWRRRGGG!" I gurgled, and that was when I smashed the liquid Mr. Coffee Creamer I had been hiding in my fist next to my eye, sending evilish, white gooey liquid exploding all over the conference table.
"OH MY GAWHHHD!!!"Patsy thundered, the table scattering as she lunged backwards against the wall with the most horrified expression I have ever seen. She stood staring,her mouth hanging literally open, at the remains of my what had once been my eyeball, splattered all over her table.
There was a brief moment of absolute silence… and then, unable to stand it any more, I broke down into laughter. Hysterical laughter, the kind that can kill you if you aren't careful. The people at the table, most of whom were in on the joke, were laughing their heads off. I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen, and had to lay down on the floor. After a shocked moment, Patsy stomped out of the room, uttering a series of expletives that might have been targeted in my direction.
Mission Accomplished.
PRANK INGREDIENTS
- One long tenured unsuspecting friend
- One plastic container of "Vanilla" or Regular liquid Coffee Creamer
- Overacting Skills
- Ability to Hold in Laughter during Prank
- Ability to Stay Conscious After Prank
- Ability to outrun your Prey (if needed)
