Page 135: A Boy and His Robot

Not every 10 year boy has a life-size robot at their disposal like Keaton, but not every boy is growing up in my house. In this case, the DaddyBot --pictured at right -- looks quite a bit like his actual Daddy, except for the robot-like movements and the booming voice that is unmistakable -- the voice of The Robot from Lost in Space.

17 year old Kellen was sitting on Keaton, tickling him senseless, amidst screams and peals of forced, painful laughter. Finally, Keaton was able to yell the magic words. "DaddyBot!"

"DADDYBOT ONLINE."

"Save me, DaddyBot!" Keaton howled.

"COMMAND ACCEPTED," DaddyBot boomed. "PROTECT MODE ACTIVATED. DESTROY! DESTROY ATTACKER!!!" And with that, he went into action, grabbing Kellen off Keaton like a ragdoll, pinning him down to the floor, and then robo-tickling him until he was screaming like a little schoolgirl. Except Kellen’s not a little schoolgirl at all (except when he screams like one). Finally, DaddyBot released the hoodlum and he ran for the hills. Keaton lay breathless on the couch.

"DaddyBot, thank you, thank you!"

"YOU ARE WELCOME, KEATON SCOTT."

Yep, it’s swell to be a 10 year old boy with your own personal DaddyBot. Sometimes, however, DaddyBots can malfunction. For example, there Keaton and DaddyBot were in the ginormous pool late at night at Port Royal on the Texas Coast. "The Redneck Riviera," they call it, but it's our coast and our rednecks, and we loves 'em. The beaches are exactly like the beaches in Destin, Florida, except the sand and water are brown and every hotel, motel, and rental house on the beach is a rusted out filthy dump that rents for ridiculous prices. But it's our brown sand, brown water, rusted out dumps, and ridiculous prices, and we loves 'em.

Keaton was cruising around on his dad's back around the pool. Suddenly, the Bad Gene / Mischevious Circuit was activated. "DADDYBOT ONLINE."

"Wha?" Keaton asked.

"ATTACK MODE ENGAGED. SCANNING FOR TARGETS… SCANNING FOR TARGETS...!"

"Oh nooooo," Keaton gulped, but DaddyBot's docking clamps held his legs tight -- Keaton wasn't going anywhere, except exactly where DaddyBot wanted him to go. A middle aged lady in a nice dry flowery muumuu was walking along the edge of the pool. "Oh no, no, no," Keaton moaned.

"ATTACK SEQUENCE COMMENCING...DESTROY!" DaddyBot whispered, perched in the water by the side of the pool, gazing in the opposite direction. Just as Granny Flabs passed by, DaddyBot went into quick action, using his robotic cyberarm to summon an ENORMOUS tidal wave of water -- a pool tsunami -- right over the edge and up through the air. DaddyBot was already underwater and traveling at high speed with Keaton in tow by splashdown time, leaving a Muumuu with a Boo Boo and a bewildered woman looking angrily at all the kids in the vicinity.

"SCANNING FOR TARGETS!" DaddyBot repeated, and his onboard sensors locked onto a group of very dry teenage kids sitting at the table by the edge of the pool, oblivious on their very own Planet Yack & Snack.

“No no no no, DaddyBot, NO!!!” Keaton pleaded, giggling. “Cancel attack sequence and power down!”

“COMMAND *NOT* ACCEPTED,” DaddyBot replied. “VOICE COMMAND INTERFACE *OFFLINE*!!!” Approaching the unsuspecting, dry victims, DaddyBot hovered. “ACTIVATING AQUA CANNON,” he intoned, and a gigantic wall of water went hurling over the edge of the pool, bringing April showers but little in the way of May flowers to the entire table. “DADDY VOICE SIMULATION ENABLED,” DadyBot whispered.

The dripping wet table sat, stunned, looking around to see who dunnit.

“Keaton! What have I told you about splashing people? I mean it. Sorry folks, this boy is a real prankster. Now, young man...I think a good old fashioned spankin’ might just be in your future,” and then the drenched, bewildered table stared as the father headed off down the pool, dragging a red-faced Keaton in hysterics along behind him.

Keaton could not stop giggling, a sort of terrified giggle -- what does one do when one’s DaddyBot goes so beserk? “DaddyBot....oh DaddyBot...”

“TO QUOTE A FAMOUS RABBIT... AIN’T I A STINKUH?” DaddyBot quipped. That was when the stern looking woman in the pantsuit came marching into the pool area.“TARGET ACQUIRED!” DaddyBot purred. And Keaton knew it was going to be long, splashy night.

Keaton & Kristin -- picture by "DaddyBot"

Page 134: "Good Times"

In the first century, a Jewish family lived in a small stone house. The time had come to move the wife's elderly parents in, but the husband was vexed. He went to his rabbi. "We will be too crowded. Our house is too small. What should I do, master?"

"You should do the right thing and take in your family," the rabbi advised. "And in helping in this way you will have abundant blessings. Do this and come back in one week."

The father promptly moved in his in-laws, and within a week everyone in the home was miserable. He hurried back to the rabbi. "I followed your advice, teacher, and now I have never known such misery! What have you done to us?"

"Patience, my son," the rabbi replied. "Do you have chickens?" The man nodded. "Do you have sheep?" The man again nodded yes. "And a donkey? Good. Now, you must move your chickens, sheep, and donkey into the house also. Come back to see me in two weeks."

The father was bewildered, but he went back and followed the rabbi's instructions. Two weeks later he returned with disheveled hair, dirty clothes, and a wild look on this face. "Oh teacher," he moaned, "I have followed your advice. I have done everything you said. Now my in-laws have no place to sleep because the chickens are laying eggs in their bed. The goats are baa-ing and butting their heads, and the sheep are breaking things. The animals have made my house a wreck, and it smells worse than a barn!"

The rabbi frowned. He closed his eyes and thought for a long time. Finally he said, “This is what you do. Take the sheep back to the barn. Take the chickens back to their coop, and put your donkey back in its pen. Come back in one month.”

The farmer ran home and did exactly as the rabbi had told him. A month later, he came back to see the rabbi, smiling from ear to ear.

"Oh master! Our home is the most spacious, peaceful, and comfortable in the land. Thank you for your wise advise -- our family is the happiest it has ever been!"

And the rabbi smiled.

With thanks to Rev. Steve Bolen