Page 150: When Your Church is Wrong about Right and Wrong

In 1633, in order to avoid being burnt at the stake, 70 year old Galileo was forced to recant his teaching of the Copernican idea of the earth revolving around the sun. Galileo lived his final years under house arrest, because his view "went against the literal reading of the Bible." As Cardinal Bellarmine said in 1633,

"But to affirm that... the Earth revolves very swiftly around the Sun is a dangerous thing... injuring our holy faith and making the sacred scriptures false." -- Robert Bellarmine, 1633, Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church & a leading Vatican theologian of the 17th century

Almost 400 years later in 1992, Pope John Paul II publicly and graciously acknowledged that the Church had erred. John Paul said the theologians who condemned Galileo did not recognize the formal distinction between the Bible and its interpretation.

There are many other examples where the church used the "literal" interpretation of the Christian Bible in ways we readily see as immoral and wrong today. Much of Christianity opposed medical treatment in the 1600's and 1700's as "against the will of God." Doctors were severely punished if they attempted to lessen a woman's pain in childbirth, since according to a literal reading of Genesis 3:16, such pain was a punishment upon Eve from God.

Mainstream Christianity supported slavery in the 1800's, because numerous places in the Bible endorse and affirm slavery. The Southern Baptist organization itself was formed over the issue of slavery, with the Southern Baptists breaking away to loudly proclaim that slavery was the will of God.

Much of Christianity opposed the right of women to vote in the early 1900's, because both Old and New Testaments are clear in saying that women should be subservient to men. And in recent times, much of Evangelical Christianity including the famed pastor of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, W.A. Criswell, opposed ending segregation in the 1950's because "it went against scripture."

In the time of Jesus, no one talked of reading scripture literally. Jesus and the rabbis of the first century were intent on understanding the meaning of their scripture. Literal readings of scripture -- as Jesus of Nazareth repeatedly tried to show the piously religious of his day -- cannot be used for simple and broad moral judgments. Moral judgments must stand up to scrutiny, to judgment and reason. The guidance and wisdom in the Bible must be carefully considered as a whole before doing something so brash as condemning an entire segment of society, such as women, blacks, or homosexuals -- or non-Christians, or anybody else.

Very few Christians of any group today would believe or agree that medical treatment is wrong, that doctors should be punished for giving anesthesia, that human beings should be owned as property, that women should be second class citizens, or that blacks should drink out of separate water fountains. Or, for that matter, that the sun revolves around the earth. But this WAS the position of the a large part of the devoutly religious of their day. Today, we pretty much take collective offense at such obvious moral misjudgments. What I am telling you is, this "gay is a sin" issue is exactly the same thing. And in a generation, those leaders stamping their feet about it as a "moral issue" will be looked upon like the racial bigots of the 1950's. "The Word of the Lord Never Changes," the popular saying goes.  But for anyone with thinking going on in their head, they can quickly understand that the INTERPRETATION of the Bible HAS changed in major ways over time. Our Evangelical friends who find slavery repugnant and who happily under support women voting are living proof. 

Like millions of other progressive Christians, I believe that the Evangelical churches are making a tremendous moral mistake on today's red hot moral issue of homosexuality, which is of course "against their interpretation of the Bible."  The arguments they employ -- that homosexuality is against the way of God, against nature, and against the Bible -- are identical to the arguments used in the 19th century in the defense of slavery. But what of the few passages that appear to condemn homosexuality in the Bible? 

Well, what of the passages that endorse slavery? What about the passages that dictate that women cannot speak in church? The New Testament is quite clear that "women are to remain silent in the churches." (1 Cor. 14:33-36, among other passages). There are hundreds of other Biblical passages that "literally" tell women to not fix their hair, wear jewels; that allow men to sell their daughters into slavery, that tell you to cut off your hand, handle snakes, and a host of other things. Literal reading of scripture quickly takes Christianity to a nonsensical place. The folks using the Bible so simply are also highly selective. Piece parts are picked out to support specific views while other parts are blatantly ignored. Some parts of the Old Testament Law are claimed to be "God's Truth" while most of it is overlooked. Select verses from the New Testament are often used to support a particular view while many other pieces are ignored. The great irony of folks who are most worried about taking the Bible literally is that they really don't take it literally at all. This is "cafeteria style" Biblical interpretation, where you pick and choose what you want. And in looking for literal truths, you completely miss the point of the message: Jesus taught Love and acceptance. For the literal-minded that need such training wheels, it can be a tremendous stretch to see the forest for the trees.

On the moral issue of homosexuality, using the Bible, there is a compelling case to be made there there is nothing sinful about homosexuality, no more so than eating shellfish and wearing cotton/poly blends (all listed as "abominations" in the Bible.) The teachers of Jesus are pretty clear. He was once asked what the greatest commandment was. He gave the same answer Rabbi Hillel had given.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  What what Jesus do? He would affirm people loving each other, and we should affirm the rights of gays in our society to commit and love each other.  But like the folks passionately defending the earth as the center of the solar system, punishing doctors who would help a woman's pain in childbirth, fervently arguing that slavery was endorsed by God, doing everything in their power to keep women from voting and blacks drinking from separate fountains and having their children go to separate schools, there are so many well-intentioned folks advancing bigotry toward homosexuals -- "because of the Bible" -- that it almost makes one think that we never learn from the past.

Like the issues of the earth revolving around the sun, modern medicine, slavery, women's rights, and segregation, the issue of the morality of homosexuality will ultimately be a lost cause for the judgmental. In the meantime, Christians should look to history to learn that "right and wrong" has changed across the generations, and that their church's "wrong" of today may well be the historical bigotry of tomorrow.

Page 149: SAMSON'ed -- Slain by the Jawbones of Asses (at 38,000 Feet)

Help from 38,000 feet.  I am in the middle of an absolute Freak Show Circus, and it's become less and less clear if I am on the outside or inside of the cage.

It started out so simple, a Monday night flight from Dallas to Boston.

There I was, sitting in 20A, and right behind me in row 21, in a sure sign of the 2012 Apocalypse, it finally happened. Talking Head Tom, that dreaded traveler who cannot shut his mouth on a flight, sat down next to Blabbermouth Betty, who can talk your brain into a mushpot in mere seconds, and it was a Match.com made in Heav'n.  The fact that he was about 25 and she was about 75 made no difference. They both loved to prattle so much and so loudly, they weren't about to let something like chemistry get in the way of the ultimate yackfest.  There was a boat on the cover of the in-flight magazine, and Betty was practically bursting at the seams to start a conversation. "Oh, look at that BOAT!" she exclaimed. "I just love to see boats.  They just always look so FUN and-"

"I have a boat!" Talking Head Tom interrupted excitedly. "It's a 2004 SkiMan Craftathon Deluxe, in blue -- with the optional fins and a kayak hook and a -"

"I rode in a kayak once!" Better squealed. "Well, I think it was a canoe.  It was on a river, and…! And…! And, and… and!"  She finally took a breath and that was Talking Head Tom's cue to butt in - "My favorite river is one in North Carolina!  So last summer..."   Ohhh, no.  No, no, no.   The volume level was set to just above "jackhammer."

Meanwhile, across the aisle to my right in 20C, The Junkman was getting busy.  I refer to him as "The Junkman" because he was apparently having Junk Problems, as in, problems with his junk, and the only thing that could possibly fix it was frantic scratching, poking, and general rustling around his mid-section.  Unfortunately, all the pawing had caught the attention of my seat partner in 20B, Buddy Seeker, the ultimate seat partner horror who was on high alert patrolling for a new best friend on the flight.  His plans included talking incessantly for the entire flight, prominently projecting his rancid smoker's breath.  "Well, what do you think?" he asked toothily.  I smiled and give him a thumbs-up, briefly thinking of answering in sign language as a diversion.  I realized it was going to be a long, long flight.  But at least, the people in front of me seemed normal. 

Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy talking to people on flights.   In moderation, like all healthy things in life.

The flight attendant walked by, and Buddy literally grabbed his arm. "SCUSE' ME," he rasped in a voice that was reminiscent of Herman Munster, if Herman Munster had smoked a couple cartons of Pal Mal's a day, "IS THERE WI-FI ON THIS FLIGHT?"

"Uh, I don't-" the flight attendant said.

"OKAY.  NOW --  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS?  IS THERE A MOVIE?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?"

"Sir, I'll find out for you," the flight attendant said, scurrying away and down the aisle like a moth fleeing a spider.  Me, I was all caught up in the web, right there, sitting next to the man.   All web, but no Wi-Fi.  I couldn't go for my earphones and music because we were still on the ground. 

Ah ha, I thought.  I'll feign sleep.  Please understand, you couldn't put me to sleep on a plane takeoff with Cat Tranquilizer, but I can fake it like the dickens.  Buddy started staring at me, itching for conversation, as my eyes slowly fluttered shut.  "Think, krs, THINK!  You need a sound effect."  I decided to pick one of my "scchhhFCHH" mini-snorts, which I felt sure would be convincing that I had taken a sharp right down Ambien Boulevard.   But Buddy was watching, and he had the perfect antidote for Takeoff Nap.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR THE AIRPORT IS AWAY FROM THE CITY OF DALLAS?" Buddy blasted, and my eyes flew open like goosed window shades.  Behind me, Blabbs and Talking Head were exchanging excited monologues about their favorite pool toys (I am not making this up), having clearly died and gone to Chatterbox Heaven.  I blinked my eyes and gently shook my head at Buddy with a perplexed look, and the fact that I lived in Dallas for over a decade didn't dare escape my mouth.

Flight Attendant Richard returned.  "The movie is, The Muppet Movie," he announced.

"OH MY GAAAAAAWD," Buddy moaned in a raspy, smoker's contra-bass horror.  "THAT WAS THE MOVIE YESTERDAY.  PLEASE SOMEBODY, STICK STEEL SPIKES IN MY EYES!"  No, no, I think.  If there were any on the plane, I wanted them so that I could stab them into my ears.  Repeatedly.  I resume my faux-nap and the plane stretched into the air.  While riveted with Blabbs and Talking Head's conversation, which had now drifted downstream to ocean craft and the salt worthiness of different boats, I could feel Buddy's piercing gaze, just waiting for one of my eyelids to squeak open so that he could make his move.   Suddenly, he gave up on me, and -- I swear to the Universe I am not making this up -- he turned around and started talking to the row across the aisle behind us.   Just then, it was then "safe to use portable electronic devices!"   Wholly Fully Grown Sweet Bejeezuz.

I flew out of my "sleep" and grabbed my tablet, put on my headphones, and turned on my music in a desperate plea for escape.  As everyone knows, MP3 players and headphones are impervious to even the most severe of bores on a flight. Channeling Princess Leia:  "Help me, Obi Wan Gavin DeGraw.  You're my only hope!"  Gavin started rocking, and the din drowned out.  I was sure that Blabs & Tom were talking about water on Mars at that point, having exhausted and evaporated every other water topic on Earth.

This story has a happy ending.  I fell asleep, and when I woke up about 30 minutes from BAWstin, Buddy, Talking Head, and Blabs were all sawing logs, with visions of their Blabberfests dancing in their heads.  Me?  I escaped, and the only thing I lost was my sanity.  Well.  I wasn't using it that much anyway.

Page 148: NOW, Just in Time

When I was a child, the only moment I ever paid attention to was the one I was in...I was eight years old for a lifetime. I was nine years old for a lifetime. I turned ten, and that year lasted a lifetime, too.

But to be a parent is to live in the past-present-future all at once. It is to hug your children and be intensely aware of how much smaller they felt last year. When I hear people say that time moves faster as you get older, I think they have it wrong. It's not that time moves any faster; it's that it collapses altogether.

-- Dr. Youngme Moon, Harvard Business School, Different: Escaping the Competitive Herd

One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned came from Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. In it, he skillfully articulates the dangers of living in the past - thinking about it, longing for it, or regretting it - as well as the folly of living for the future: worrying about it, fearing it, or just obsessing over it. If you want to maximize your happiness, Tolle argues, "live in the now." The thought is profound. The notion is very close to a foundational thought from Buddhism, that most human worry, or "suffering" as articulated there, comes from our tendency to want to hold on to the present, to make it last. We don't want things to change and experience worry and fear about the future and the changes it might bring.

But change is inevitable. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, "you can never step in the same river twice." The water flowing in the river is constantly moving, swirling, and changing.

Thirty years ago, Philip Brickman studied lottery winners and happiness. He found that while winners were elated at first, afterwards they were no happier than they had been prior to winning. Brickman coined the phrase "hedonistic treadmill" to describe our tendency to set new baselines in life. We humans have a remarkable ability to feel entitled today to what we were so excited about and thankful for yesterday.


What I make out of it is this:

Visit the past to remember valuable lessons and great memories. Don't obsess about the past or it will own you and your future.  Plan for the future, but never obsess over it. To do so wastes valuable time in the now. You'll live so many days worrying about the future, you'll sacrifice the present.

Embrace the inevitable change in life. Kids grow up. Parents age. Find the beauty in the Now and when you let go of anxieties about Past & Future, the Now becomes a much brighter, happier place. Live each day finding the good things in life that over-shadow the bad. The light side of life is always brighter. Always.


I had the pleasure of hearing Don Miguel Ruiz when he was in Austin a couple of years ago. Don is the bestselling author of the The Four Agreements and a modern day philosopher descended from a centuries-old line of ancient Toltec shamans. He is respected around the world as a thinker and modern day mystic philosopher. He said it best:

“Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time... The best path to happiness is learning to change as rapidly as life does."

Page 147: Gettin' Back on the Horse

Well, I haven't been in the blogosphere in many moons. It's like getting back on the horse, krs. Just start writing again! Just step back up into the saddle and -

With "Spot," age 5, 1968

Cowpokes. I grew up on a horse.  Literally been knocked down off a horse on many occasions, by everything from tree branches to the horse itself. In the 6th grade, I was riding a 2 year old spirited filly named Sandy. My dad asked me what I thought about my new cap. "Love it," I said, taking the cap off and waving it for effect. Bad idea. As it turns out, Sandy didn't really like caps being waved above her head -- in fact, Sandy thought that a cap being waved around her head was tantamount to attacking marauders, so microseconds later I found myself airborne, flying through the atmosphere toward my landing pad: a rusty galvanized aluminum watering trough atop a thick pile of corral dirt. As they say where I am from, it "knocked the wind out of me" and for what seemed like life and death seconds that turned into minutes, I was sure I was going to die from suffocation as I struggled to get my breath back. Despite the ample blood and scrapes, nothing was permanently broken. "Doc said I was gonna live."

As my dad tells the story, "Kirk was done with horses after that." My illustrious cowboy career was officially ended, and it was only 1975. I was still an 11 year old kid growing up out in the country in the hills of Central Texas, but I had gotten off that horse the hard way, and to quote my dad, "he never got back on one."

July 1971 -- the horse's name escapes me

But actually, I did. It wasn't that I was scared to get back on a horse. I was just completely disinterested, as the the cowboy life was never my thing -- I was into my telescope, chemistry set, electronics, and books, sort of a country spun original geek. But I DID get back on a horse, and actually do love horses and wish I owned one. When no one is looking when I am at my parents, I go back and hang with the horses, just like the old times. I didn't grow up around other kids; we were in the ranchlands. But I did get to spent a lot of time with these magnificent animals when I was a kid, and to me horses are the most "human" of all animals -- I think they are amazing. So intelligent, so much more so than dogs or cats, and each has such such a distinct personality. I'll own one again someday, but please don't tell my dad. He is a very youthful 70, but if he knew this, such a level of laughter at any age is dangerous and he might die laughing. 

So, this writing business is a lot like that. I haven't been writing for a while, simply because I had nothing to say; there was just no reason to get back in the saddle. I've spent much of the past year thinking instead of talking, about Life and what it all means and where I'm headed. Plus, it's discouraging; everyone is all riled up these days about things like politics and religion. Not me. Silly wabbits. Don't you know that all that angst, whatever fence or side of the fence you straddle, is far from healthy and way beyond your control? You can't even convince your closest non-like minded friends you are right and they are wrong. Why in the world would you expand valuable time and energy railing on these topics? As I like to say, "all that venom is not lengthening your life."

If you are the kind of person that sees things from only one point of view and it's all black and white, find some kindred others and support each other up a storm. You'll be much happier, but I would argue, probably more full of fury than happiness on a regular basis. Brain science has uncovered some surprising fundamental about the way our brains work. None of us are as objective as we think. Our political leanings have everything to do with our particular style of brain chemistry and what lights up our neurological tree. Our religious leanings are similar, and it has little do with what is absolutely Right and Wrong.  Like so many others, I discovered that "Right" was relative many years ago. When you understand this, you can release a lot of angst about all those "others" who are so wrong and clueless about everything, who happen to see politics or religion a different way than you.

This is why I don't hesitate to weed maniacs out of my garden, but instead, cultivate wonderers, thinkers, and the heartfelt tolerant as true prizes. The people in your life either give you energy or subtract it. I cherish the former.

As far as we can prove, we are only here once. I feel a gentle breeze on my back again. There are some things I want to say, and I will steer clear of any semblance of anything too serious. Because it took me half a lifetime to learn that it doesn’t take half a lifetime to learn that you shouldn't take life so seriously.

If you have come this far, thanks for reading. My energy and inspiration comes from the thoughtful people like you who would take the time to consider the thoughts of another. Life itself is a miracle.  To lose touch with that is to miss the entire point. Now, let's have some fun and get the life party going.

Namaste.  

Page 146: Can Baptists Dance/Can Christians Drink? And Other Absurdities

In which, krs summons his hellfire self-righteous evangelical anger of Olde.
Non-religious friends -- move on. Nothing for you here.

My old friend Dr. Stephen J. Lucas, former pastor of Highland Park Baptist Church in Austin, once told this from the pulpit: "And the little old lady came up to the minister and said, 'Pastor, can Baptists dance?' And he replied, 'well, ma'am, it turns out...some can, and some just can't!'"

A Certain Someone Who Is An Old Friend of Mine just posted the most asinine thing on Facebook, stating that "That Would Be Like a Christian Drinking, which is Totally Wrong."

Holy Great Ignoramuses, Batman. My Dear. You didn't really say that, did you? Let me illuminate the darkness in that fog-filled head of yours. But buckle up, because it's going to be a rough ride, as it always is when somebody opens up your mind to a wider world and you realize the door to your little broom closet of thought has been nailed shut for years. I know -- it's happened to me many times.

First things first. I have many friends and family members who do not drink. They are not judgmental people and they could care less if you drink or not. Kudos to them and may their tee-totaling lights shine forever brightly. And others have a religious tradition of not drinking, but wouldn't be so crass to condemn those that do. I am not talking about those people.

No, I am talking about Judgmental Nincompoops who like to publically proclaim on a social medium that "Christians drinking is wrong." If these judgers were apple trees, here in my beloved Texas we would be standing in the middle of a vast orchard knee deep in Granny Smiths. I speak to these folks when I say, we will be educating you today in Three Easy, Smart Alecky Points.

Point One. There are 2.2 BILLION Christians in the world, and all but about 100 million drink, best estimates. This means that over 95% of Christians on this planet drink. Catholics drink. Methodists drink. Presbyterians drink. Episcopalians drink. Lutherans drink (a LOT). They officially drink, blessed by their denomination. Many drink AT CHURCH. So in answer to the question "Do Christians Drink," the answer is unequivocally "yes." I do understand you think they aren't "real Christians" because they don't agree with your Little Official Belief List. But if you are a tee-totaling Christian, you are in the very small minority and might think twice about casting aspersions and judgment on 95% of the rest of us.

Point Two. JESUS DRANK. ALCOHOLIC. BEVERAGES. Generally speaking, when the founder of a religion does something, you can do it too! Isn't it exciting? Yes, Jesus drank full-strength Hebrew wine and beer, staples in their Semitic diet for over 3,000 years, and having spent time in Israel working in the very lands Jesus tread, let me assure you that the old Baptist line I was taught in my youth that it "wasn't fermented" or "wasn't as strong as today" is absolute nonsense. Laughable hogwash. Made up baloney to defend an idea that has no basis in fact. But sadly, people love to believe fibs. Don't fall for it, and remember, "the Son of Man came eating and drinking" and was actually called a drunkard.  Catch that? Jesus said that about himself according to Luke 7. He turned water into wine at a wedding in John 2. He drank wine at the Last Supper in Luke 22. I could go on.  Did He do something "totally wrong?"  That sure would wreck the theology books, so perhaps better to agree that your assertion "drinking is totally wrong" is what is actually totally wrong.

Point Three: GOD LOVES BEER. You think I'm kidding? You don't think the Bible says that? Oh, you should quit reading only your few 'lil favorite parts. The consumption of beer was encouraged, sanctioned, and intimately linked with the religion of the Israelites. They were commanded to offer part of their beer to God -- Yahweh, according to the Old Testament, drank at least half a hin of beer (about 2 liters -- a six-pack), and MORE on the Sabbath and first of the month. That is a LOT of beer consumed by God, but apparently, that is just the way He rolls, according to Numbers 28:7-10. As Benjamin Franklin said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

So, if you don't want to drink, hooray for you. That's more for those of us who do. And YES, excessive drinking is bad. I have friends in recovery, and they all recommend that people with addictions should never, EVER drink. But you do understand, right? Too much of ANYTHING is bad. Too much dessert: flappy flab. Too much talking on your cell-phone: big bill. Even too much religion: fanatic kook. Even Jesus must be consumed in reasonable quantities, or you end up completely cuckoo. Believe me, I know several people who are.

So, go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. (You just read Ecclesiastes 9:7.)

One of my oldest friends, a Baptist minister, recently emailed me. He had heart issues, and his doctor recommended a glass or two of red wine daily as part of his health-up program. "Can you help teach me how to drink wine?" he asked half-teasingly. Dear Boy -- the doctor is in. Cheers!

Page 145: Raw Topic: The One Sided Burger

in which, krs almost talks about Politics AND Religion...


When you start feeling that all is about to be lost, that we are going to Hell in a handbasket, that the forces that threaten us are so dire that it is time for everybody to wake up and realize it absolutely is going to have to be YOUR way, or the highway…

You just became a giant part of the problem.

This is true in politics. And religion. Our ability to work together is something that makes us uniquely human. When we lose that, we are in truly dangerous territory.

"Who is your 2012 presidential candidate?" I asked Dillon. Dillon is one of Kellen's friends, an Old Soul, and we were talking late one night while everyone else was engaged in a hold-no-hostages Call of Duty shootout.

"What?" Dillon clarified. "I don't think I have one. I mean, I don't think anybody can work together anymore. That's the problem."

Right.

If you are a Righty and *only* watch Fox News -- or you are a Lefty and only watch MSNBC -- it is more than possible you only know half the story. And if you have strong feelings about that half of the story that you know, down to your toes, you might be sort of like a divorce judge who ONLY listens to the husband's (or the wife's) side. What kind of judge is that? On purpose, and to make money by appealing to people with firm opinions, neither Fox or MSNBC are truly "news organizations." They are commentary organizations who write stories from a highly politically partisan point of view. Oh, there is nothing wrong with watching it. Just don't expect to be educated on The Other Half of the Story. And don't be surprised if the news you hear there is constantly upsetting you about "them" -- you know, the Other Side and their outrageous nonsense. The one thing I've learned is that there is a Little Truth on both sides, and always ample bullshit as well -- and it's the latter that frequently riles people up. And sadly, some people seem to thrive on being riled up. Happy Life Hint: all that outrage isn't lengthening your life.

If you only listen to one side of the argument, you are like a burger patty that doesn't get flipped. You end up with a bunch of raw bull. This is true in both politics and religion. In religion, so many times good-intentioned people believe that the only side they have ever heard must be the truth -- without realizing that other people of similar faith have well-grounded, valid, & different ideas on key topics.

I avoid one-sided news sources. I'm more of a Truth-Seeker than a Reinforce-My-Opinions-With-My-Kind-of-Propaganda kind of guy.

"Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level, then beat you with experience." I am talking about myself. I frankly don't have the depth of knowledge to know exactly how to get ourselves out of the financial predicament the country is in or how to resuscitate the economy, which is why I don't argue about the economy. Economics was the most complex thing I ever studied in college, even beyond Physics. You would be arguing with an idiot if you argued with me, because while I know many of the answers being proposed out there, I have no idea what the real answer is.

As a longtime critic of the federal debt, I am not sure those who just woke up and smelled the coffee (tea?) understand that it may not be possible, unfortunately, to solve both the debt and the economy problems at the same time. That is what the majority of our best economists from across the spectrum are saying.

We'll have plenty of time to talk about this, so let's light up the stove. It's going to be a long economic winter.

Page 144: The LADY ON A CELLPHONE Game

The lady's giant SUV swerved, and it was coming right at us. "She's on a collision course," I shouted. "Number Six -- evasive action!"

"Red Alert! Sound the collision alarm!" Nunzilla bellowed from the passenger seat, and Number Six's klaxon horn blared. The lady swerved back into her lane without even glancing sideways, oblivious to the inches she had come from wrecking us both. As we glared at her, Keaton spoke up from the backseat. "Dad, that's 8! LADY ON A CELLPHONE!"

But more on how to play the game in a moment.

Our dear ladies. How we love you. How we could not live without you. And how you can apparently not live without talking on your cellphone when you drive. We wouldn't notice, really, except for the 25 mph in the 60 zone you're doing, or the cars you sideswipe as you careen all over your "lanes." We don't mind, really. We weren't in any sort of rush at all in the long line of cars behind clueless you.

After all, when one is in control of a 2 ton machine flying down the road, there are some things that MUST be urgently communicated. Highly important, urgent things, such as:

"...then he did this and she said that…"

"...well, SHE said that she didn't, but…"

"...and was wearing this purple thing at least 2 sizes too small…"

"...well, I just talked to her, and she said that he..."

True, sometimes the ladies could wait until they got home to call Her on the cell. But that would be so silly. Because they are going to call Her and Her and Her from home anyway.

Is there a a complete ninny obstructing and slowing traffic ahead of you? ODDS ARE… it's a Lady On a Cellphone!

Oh yes, Men talk on their cellphones, too. Their chatter is even more ridiculous, because the more miles their caller is away, the louder Men yell Because That Helps. Like ladies, they will be totally oblivious to their path of destruction, but instead of driving 20 mph and careening across lanes, their energetic, loud talking will make them blindly aggressive. Like enraged mules. Enraged mules hanging 4 inches off your bumper while braying into their little BellowBoxes.

THE GAME
MINIMUM: TWO PLAYERS, PLAYED WHILE IN YOUR CAR

The object of the game is to find 10 Ladies on Cellphones driving their cars before you find 10 Men.

1. Flip a coin. Heads, you get MEN, tails, you get LADIES. On a cellphone. The goal is to see how quickly you can find 10.
2. Get in your car to go anywhere. Within seconds of entering any major road or street, you will spot the first one, and whoever is LADIES yells "LADY ON A CELLPHONE!!!!!!! THAT'S ONE!"
3. If you have MEN, look for a man on cellphone. They are elusive, but they are dangerous and there. When you spot one, counter with "MAN ON A CELLPHONE! THAT'S X!!" where X is the current count. Try to get out of the way before you are all killed.
4. Continue finding and counting LADIES and MEN ON A CELLPHONE until the first person gets to 10.

99. 99% out of 100 times, you will get to 10 LADIES before MEN. And so when LADIES win, everybody spouts in unison, "LADY ON A CELLPHONE!"

As Little Timmy cried from the backseat of Mommy's swerving Phone-mobile, "God bless us people just trying to get to our destination, every one!!!"