Page 144: The LADY ON A CELLPHONE Game

The lady's giant SUV swerved, and it was coming right at us. "She's on a collision course," I shouted. "Number Six -- evasive action!"

"Red Alert! Sound the collision alarm!" Nunzilla bellowed from the passenger seat, and Number Six's klaxon horn blared. The lady swerved back into her lane without even glancing sideways, oblivious to the inches she had come from wrecking us both. As we glared at her, Keaton spoke up from the backseat. "Dad, that's 8! LADY ON A CELLPHONE!"

But more on how to play the game in a moment.

Our dear ladies. How we love you. How we could not live without you. And how you can apparently not live without talking on your cellphone when you drive. We wouldn't notice, really, except for the 25 mph in the 60 zone you're doing, or the cars you sideswipe as you careen all over your "lanes." We don't mind, really. We weren't in any sort of rush at all in the long line of cars behind clueless you.

After all, when one is in control of a 2 ton machine flying down the road, there are some things that MUST be urgently communicated. Highly important, urgent things, such as:

"...then he did this and she said that…"

"...well, SHE said that she didn't, but…"

"...and was wearing this purple thing at least 2 sizes too small…"

"...well, I just talked to her, and she said that he..."

True, sometimes the ladies could wait until they got home to call Her on the cell. But that would be so silly. Because they are going to call Her and Her and Her from home anyway.

Is there a a complete ninny obstructing and slowing traffic ahead of you? ODDS ARE… it's a Lady On a Cellphone!

Oh yes, Men talk on their cellphones, too. Their chatter is even more ridiculous, because the more miles their caller is away, the louder Men yell Because That Helps. Like ladies, they will be totally oblivious to their path of destruction, but instead of driving 20 mph and careening across lanes, their energetic, loud talking will make them blindly aggressive. Like enraged mules. Enraged mules hanging 4 inches off your bumper while braying into their little BellowBoxes.

THE GAME
MINIMUM: TWO PLAYERS, PLAYED WHILE IN YOUR CAR

The object of the game is to find 10 Ladies on Cellphones driving their cars before you find 10 Men.

1. Flip a coin. Heads, you get MEN, tails, you get LADIES. On a cellphone. The goal is to see how quickly you can find 10.
2. Get in your car to go anywhere. Within seconds of entering any major road or street, you will spot the first one, and whoever is LADIES yells "LADY ON A CELLPHONE!!!!!!! THAT'S ONE!"
3. If you have MEN, look for a man on cellphone. They are elusive, but they are dangerous and there. When you spot one, counter with "MAN ON A CELLPHONE! THAT'S X!!" where X is the current count. Try to get out of the way before you are all killed.
4. Continue finding and counting LADIES and MEN ON A CELLPHONE until the first person gets to 10.

99. 99% out of 100 times, you will get to 10 LADIES before MEN. And so when LADIES win, everybody spouts in unison, "LADY ON A CELLPHONE!"

As Little Timmy cried from the backseat of Mommy's swerving Phone-mobile, "God bless us people just trying to get to our destination, every one!!!"