It was kiddie's bedtime minus ten, which is a little later than most in our house, and Keaton and I were laying on the batcouch watching a Dave Matthews concert. Suddenly, Kristin piped up from down the hall.
"DAD! There is a big spider in Keaton's room!"
"Well, then step on it or smack it with a shoe," I replied, half-asleep. I could hear some kind of commotion.
"DAD!!! DAD!!!"
"Kristin. You are the bravest girl I know. You catch bugs and lizards. Just smack it."
"DAD! It's… I think it's a TARANTULA! PLEASE come here."
Muttering under my breath, I got off the couch and went into Keaton's room, where all three kids were now assembled, pie-eyed. They looked like they had seen a ghost. I took a look by Keaton's desk.
"Nice try, Kristin. That's fake."
"DAD! It's not fake! It's MOVING its legs!"
She was right.
There was some debate about what to do -- "do NOT step on that" I said, and probably shouldn't have mentioned that tarantulas can jump about 8 feet, which immediately cast a macabre, spooky atmosphere in the room. Kellen argued for trapping it in a "big pot from the kitchen," but we finally decided on a Tupperware cereal container, and when Kellen brought both up from the kitchen, the cereal container was helpfully still full of Strawberry Mini-Wheats.
"Unless you have some Grasshopper Sugar Pops in there, I don't think the tarantula is interested in breakfast right now," I said. "Pour the cereal into the pot." I took a deep breath and used BBQ tongs to coax the tarantula into his new plastic digs, slipping on the cover. The boys stared in wonder at the giant, hairy creature. It was about 5 inches across.
Kristin was gone. "She probably went to tell Mom," Keaton said.
"Mom!!!" Kellen beamed, an evil grin spreading from one side of his face to the other. "Let's go show her!"
"Kellen, behave. We're not going to scare your mom. But I do want her to see it."
We arrived downstairs just as Kristin was trying to lock the master bedroom door. For the record, Kristin is the bravest kid around, but fiercely protective of her mom. But as for her mom, Kathy is probably the most squeamish person in Texas around anything with four or more legs. When it's Kathy vs. the Insect Kingdom, the insects will win every time, even if it's a battle with a lone cricket. To her, they are all vicious, venom dripping, blood-sucking, flesh chomping man-eaters.
We managed to get into the room before Kristin locked the door.
"Kathy, look at this," I said. She looked at the container and immediately screamed like a B horror Movie starlet.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!"
"Honey, honey, it's okay," I said. And suddenly Kellen was behind me, trying to push me closer to her. "Kellen, stop that." Poor thing, but I really had no intention of getting it close to her. I didn't realize it would freak her out this badly. "Kathy, it's okay. It is in this container and it's not getting out. "
"Get it out of here," she yelled. "Now!"
"Kathy! We will -- just wanted you to see it. We're not trying to scare you. Maybe we should keep it as a pet… name it… Terry?" Terry, apparently delighted with his new name, started crawling up the side of the cereal container. "Omigosh -- look at that. It can crawl up the side!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!"
Now the boys were giggling like maniacs, and Kristin picked up a pillow. "Get any closer..." she threatened.
"Bad choice, my dear. The tarantula will go flying and then be in the room somewhere, maybe on your mom's-"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!"
"Okay boys, I don't think your mother wants us in here. Let's go out." But now Kellen was pushing at full force. He leaned to whisper in my ear, "Dad -- let's just act like we're going to -"
"No, no, we're leaving." But my laughing was weakening me, and he was pushing all the harder. I looked up at Kathy. "Just remember he's misbehaving, not me -- oh dear, I ...I don't think I can hold-"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAK!" she yelled. Mental Note: she could always do voice scream-overs for the movies if times get tight for us. Luckily, her last scream of terror weakened Kellen's stance, so I shoved back with just enough force to get us out without dropping Terry.
So, how did he get in the house? Only thing we can figure is he crawled up a 20 foot rock wall and came in an upstairs balcony door near Keaton's room.
In the meantime, I really wasn't pleased with my oldest son. "Kellen, what you did in there -- that was just terrible. Seriously. Are you happy with yourself? Really, that was just plain wrong. I thought I taught you better than that. So next time, DON'T forget the video camera!"
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