Page 141: Chili Pill!

A cold wind blew in from the north, and Mrs. Kathryn had an excellent idea -- a chili cook-off with a small group at the house. "This is a contest,” she emailed. “Let's get some trash-talkin' going on!"

I was all too happy to Reply All and oblige. "Losers, let's skip the B.S. and just hand me the prize NOW. We can throw your lil' stewpots out back for the feral pigs to root around in... if they'll touch the nasty crap. My Bambi chili will RULE!" I had researched award-winning venison chili recipes to the hilt, discovering the winning secret. Shhhh. Don't tell, but here it is. You start with thick slab bacon, so fresh it's practically oinking, then throw in scraps of Bambi AND his mother. Deelish!

Imagine the horror when I discovered Aylin was also planning on some Doe a Deer Chili herself, and had already procured the meat from one of our hairy, mountain manly neighbors, who probably killed the poor creature with his bare hands, or possibly a tire iron. Rats. I was forced to choose something else.

I poured through the International Chili Cookoff Recipes and studied the Texas Terligua Pride award ingredients. The secret of winning became clear. You start with thick slab bacon, so fresh it's practically oinking, then you throw in other meats (and scraps of their mother, if possible). Deelish!

And thus is was that I concocted Fab Five Chili, with five different meat ingredients, along with a half a cup of Jim Beam, just to get the kidney beans tipsy. Oh ENOUGH of the "Texas chili DOES/DOES NOT have beans" brawls; as an eighth generation Texan and a real self-appointed Texas Colonel, if I say it can have some damn beans, matter settled. Plus, it's patently obvious that kidney beans are good for your kidneys; even a blind man could see that.

The Bad Gene acted up for a moment and I considered the novel idea of finding and adding some Viagra to my recipe to REALLY make it stand up against the competition, but decided not to… didn’t want to make the competition too hard for the judges. My friend Paul also pointed out that nobody wants to eat chili that can take 4 hours to go down.

Never underestimate Bob as a serious competitor. He one-upped the email trash talking early Saturday morning. "Five meats? Hey, just heard Chance has gone missing. Hmmm…" Chance is Rich & Christie's dog next door and our beloved Goddog (that's her laying next to the Batdesk when I was dogsitting one day)… she was clearly fine, but the evil dirty trick was done, planting the subliminal suggestion that my ingredients might not be kosher.

But the final insult came during the presentation & serving, when this sign "mysteriously" showed up attached to my pot.

So amazingly, Bob's "Jived Turkey Chili" won by a single vote, edging out my Fab Five Chili by barely a dog's nose. Rich & Christie’s Green Gobblin' Chili recipe came in third.

After the rigged voting, we retired to the Batcave to watch a horror movie of grand proportions called "2010 VH1 Divas," hosted by a terrifying, plastic-skinned monster character named Paula Abdul, who prissed around the stage doing the scariest lip synching the world has ever seen. Then there were stocky women prancing about -- as a stocky person myself, as a policy I never wear anything more than 3 sizes too small – but these ladies looked like they had been poured into their dresses, “and somebody forgot to say 'when.'" The scariest part was when a hideous corpse came to life halfway through the show – they called it The Liza Minnelli – and screeched like a vulture and staggered around the stage with a giant pink zombie sash. We guys screamed like schoolgirls, and the ladies averted their eyes and just prayed. Horrid! Hey VH1, if you are going to trot out that kind of terror, at least put a warning label on the show. We finally had to turn it off when the ghost of Cindy Lauper appeared dressed like a black refrigerator, and assumed a VERY unlady-like position directly in front of the HD camera. Hey, Cindy's Ghost – nice lady ghouls sit side saddle, not all bustin’ out with their legs flung apart like Hoss Cartwright on a mule. It almost stressed us out. Almost.


You stressed? On Overload? Two words for you: CHILI PILL!!!

SECOND/JILTED PLACE
"FAB FIVE CHILI" by krs

4 slices thick slab bacon
1 pound ground beef (90%-95% lean)
1 pound COURSE ground beef (ask at the butcher counter)
1 pound ground Pork
1 pound ground Buffalo (optional but deelishush)
Sea salt & black peper
1 white onion
1 tablespoon butter
1 cup beef broth; 1/2 cup chicken broth
2 - 28 oz cans of crushed tomatoes
1 - 28 oz Rotel tomatos w/ green chili's -- Rotel is a TEXAS TRADITION!
1 - 6 oz. can tomato paste
1 tablespoon Paprika
3 tablespoons Chili Powder
1 tablespoon Ancho chili powder
2 tablespoons garlic
1/2 tablespoon ground cayenne
1/2 tablespoon cilantro
1/2 tablespoon ground comino
2 - 28 oz can kidney beans, drained
1 tablespoon chopped jalepenos (remove seeds)
1/2 cup Shiner Bock Beer
1/2 cup Jim Beam Whiskey
1 tablespoon molasses

Cook the bacon over medium heat until the oil is extracted. Remove bacon and set aside.
Add all the remaining meats into the bacon drippings along with 2 tablespoons of chili powder, 1 tablespoon of garlic, and a light dusting of sea salt and black pepper. Dice the bacon and add to meat mix as it cooks. Brown all meat thoroughly, then drain but do NOT rinse under water.

Dice onion; melt 1 tablespoon of butter in a skillet and brown onion with a small twist of sea salt.

In a large pot, add beef stock & chicken stock with onions & all tomato cans over medium heat. Add 1 tablespoon chili powder and 1 tablespoon garlic along with remaining spices (cayenne, cilantro, comino). Add beans, then add meat, and when chili comes to a boil, reduce heat to medium low and stir in Shiner Bock, Jim Beam, and molasses. Cook 3-4 hours covered, stirring occasionally, over low heat to keep at low simmering boil. Serves 8-10+.

FIRST PLACE
"JIVED TURKEY CHILI" by the Corbins

* 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
* 1 medium yellow onion, chopped
* 5 cloves garlic, chopped
* 1 tablespoon kosher salt
* 2 teaspoons chili powder
* 1 teaspoon dried oregano
* 1 tablespoon tomato paste
* 1 chipotle chile en adobo, coarsely chopped, with 1 tablespoon sauce
* 1 pound ground turkey
* 1 (12-ounce) Mexican lager-style beer
* 1 (14 1/2-ounce) can whole peeled tomatoes, with their juice
* 1 (15 1/2-ounce) can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
* Sliced scallions, cilantro sprigs, avocado, sour cream, grated Monterey jack cheese, and/or tortilla chips, for garnish, optional

Directions

Heat the olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onion, garlic, salt, chili powder, and oregano and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 3 minutes. Stir in the tomato paste and the chipotle chile and sauce; cook 1 minute more. Add the turkey, breaking it up with a wooden spoon, and cook until the meat loses its raw color, about 3 minutes. Add the beer and simmer until reduced by about half, about 8 minutes. Add the tomatoes--crushing them through your fingers into the skillet--along with their juices and the beans; bring to a boil. Cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until thick, about 10 minutes.

Ladle the chili into bowls and serve with the garnishes of your choice.

Cook's Note: A skillet's larger surface area reduces sauces faster than simmering in a saucepan.


BRONZE MEDAL
GREEN GOBBLIN' CHILI by the Griffs
Serves 4

4 medium–size tomatilloes
2 tablespoons olive oil
1½ pounds chicken, boneless, skinless and cut into 1 inch chunks
(dark meat gives a richer flavor)
1 cup chopped onion
6 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 14 ounce can low sodium chicken broth
1 19 ounce can white beans (cannelloni), drained and rinsed
1 fresh jalapeño chili pepper, seeded and diced
1 cup whole green chili peppers (about 4), charred and chopped (if using canned, drain liquid)
1½ teaspoons sea salt
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro, chopped
Freshly grated black pepper

1. Preheat oven to 425°F. Place tomatilloes on baking pan lined with foil. Roast 10 minutes or until lightly brown and let cool. When cool, purée or mash. Set aside.
2. In a 6–quart saucepan, sauté onions and garlic over medium heat until soft. Remove from pan and set aside.
3. Add chicken to saucepan and sauté over medium–high heat until sides are lightly browned. Add cumin, oregano, onions, and garlic and stir for one minute.
4. Add chicken broth, white beans, jalapeño and green chili peppers, and roasted tomatilloes. Bring to boil and then simmer partially covered for 1 hour. Chili should have the consistency of a thick stew.
5. Stir in salt and cilantro and season to taste. Serve warm with cornbread.

This recipe can be doubled.